My reason for living

it's been a while since i've posted. I have been sick for 3 weeks w strep and ear infections plus dental work on top of it all. I am just worn out! I have made some major decisions that will be best for my little family. I am short selling my house, going back to school to get my RN and then on for my Nurse Practioner's. I will only be working fri/sat nights and for the first time in 3 years I will be at home mostly w my children. The lord may close doors but He will open many windows of opportunity. I thought that when the door closed with Corey my heart was literally going to break. At times I even felt like I just couldn't catch my breath when I thought about him and especially seeing him at church. I was angry with him and brendan for not fulfilling their promises and felt like theywere the cause of my being stuck in a mortgage. What I din't realize was the Lord was humbling me. I finally don't blame either one I have negative emotional issues fwith living in my home that can only be resolved by moving and separating myself from the past dreams. My anger for the hurt Corey cause has resolved and I have almost forgiven him 100%. There ae still those random moments like when I see him w his girlfriend at church and wonder why i wasn't good enough for him...after all she has been excommunicated and has word of wisdom issues! well once again Heavenly Father thumped me on the head and said...the atonement is for everyone and Corey just wasn't right for you and you KNOW that after all the hurt and mistreatment of you and your kids. It still hurts at times regardless. Then with the issues with brendan finally a lawyer who is helping me win the fight of my life for my kids. It's amazing to finally be able to say to brendan when he complains..."it's not my problem!" I know I am doingwhat the Lord wants me to be doing and tyeaching my children some very tender truths about life in the process. I know that families are eternal even with my broken family I still have my kids sealed to me! So even though the nights are lonely and life just down right sucks at times...I know I am loved by my Savior and that the decisions I have made are right. I may never find another eternal companion in this life and that's ok...not my ideal situation, but I am ok with who I am. So here;s to the uncertain future with faith. To corey Christensen if you ever read my blog...I forgive you but I don't know how to forget you! The song austin keeps playing and hits to close to my feelings. I do know you were no good for me emotionally especially after my surgery. I know that I am a faithful member of the church who is temple worthy and will be blessed because I have truly repented and put my trust in God. To brendan, you have hurt me for so many years and for that I take responsibility. After taking a hard look at myself I realized I allowed you to be emotionally abusive for 10 years because of my type of personality. I own that, but no more. Your problems are not mine to own! it's liberating to say It's not my problem and I WILL NOT own yours any more. You have it in you to ba an amzing father and I pray you will rediscover your priorities and even more important realize your children want to be loved by you. You cannot forsake your obligations to them. To my family and dear friends near and far...THANK YOU THANK YOU for not leaving alone in my own quiet gethsemane. you may not ever know what the simple smile meant to one who felt alone in a world of turmoil/ or that phone call saying I was just thinking of you today. I have been greatly blessed by you all. now to my family flesh and blood...I love you all very much and know that God sent me to a family as diverse as we are for a reason...to truly know I am LOVED! so this is me and who I am becoming...A mom who will fight for her children and will come out of any trial as a better person for having went through teh struggle with Christ by my side. I no longer need to feel worthless or inadequate and not worth loving...I will prevail in righteousness.
i am somebody I am loved I am jess