So I decided the write about closure and ending a chapter in your life and beginning a new one. Friday Night Brendan and I decided we REALLY needed to just sit down and talk about the direction we are heading. It started out with him refusing to let me take kids to indiana and then of course I said he couldn't take kids to Utah. When did we both become so selfish and make it about us adults instead of what's best for the kids. So this is what I learned during our 4 hr long talk at McDonald's(i know of all places). I never considered looking at myself through his eye. In his mind I allowed the Mormon culture to ruin our marriage. I saw his point to a degree. I should have went to work 4 years ago when I was more marketable than he was. I began with no communication and ended in some realizations on my part. His view of me now is I have the brand new house and brand new van while he's living in a trashy trailer and driving a POS truck. My view of his situation is I got a new van to lower my monthly car payment by $120.00 a month. I got a brand new house that I am buying for teh same price I was renting. I am the one who works 50 hours a week, pay medical bill and insurance, daycare expenses, school clothes, lunches, field trips, extracurricular activities, I am the one who gets to kiss the dissappointment away when daddy doesn't come to the first christmas program or misses and orchestra concert. I am the one who stays up all night with the sick kid. he got to sit on his butt for 2 years living of a college fund taht was similay to my wages and then still didn't pay child support. So our perception of the other's life had formed our realities. Now I understand a little bit more about him. we have both changed the last 3 years greatly. What I reaLIZED Is I don't know him anymore. And he doesn't know me. I also learned a hard truth about myself....I haven't let go of the past and the hurt he caused me. I needed him to FINALLY acknowledge the pain and hurt. When he realized he had never asked for my forgiveness he knew why I hadn't let go of the past. I accepted his genuine apology and a burden was lifted. I also found out how prideful I had been all these years. I thought I was the better parent because I hadn't done the same sins as him.....what I rediscovered is taht I am NO better than him. Just as Brendan can't fully repent and return home with the atonement neither can I. we both rely upon the Lord's mercy to save us. SO i am owning up my faults and imperfections. I just want to work best for the kids. So despite all the advice I have been given...I am redoing the parenting plan that wroks for us BOTH. I am not forgiving any child support and he understands that, but I couldn't keep going on theway it has been for months with hostile exchanges and hurtful words. I just pray I can learn to forgive and truly do what is best for my children.

something I learned this week. Faith is knowing that God is happy with the direction your life is heading!!!! I will write more tomorrow about my journey in self-discovery....

anger...how do you get over hurt and anger when you are faced with the person on a regular basis. I met with the bishop again tonight. I asked him "how do I look at Corey every sunday and not scream inside and want to yeel out loud so that anyone or just someone could see and feel my pain caused by him?" someone tell me how do you get over the feelings of rejection and the thoughts that you are no good for anyone? because sometimes I feel like that if I was better looking or wouldn't have gained weight after my surgery then just maybe I might have been worth keeping. If maybe I turned the cheek a little more then maybe my marriage wouldn't have fallen apart....if only's and what might have been's sometimes overcome my thoughts during the day. why did both corey and brendan profess their love when they really didn't have any true feelings for me. My bishop is an amazing man. After mtg with him twice this week he was blunt tonight.....said he had some righteous anger and almost hostility towards the men who have hurt me deeply. He was glad that i came in not scared to share or confess ALL my weaknesses and faults. I am thankful for the Atonement even more at this difficult time in my life emotionally.....

So I decided to write some of my divine signatures that I've realized in the past few weeks. 1. I am blessed with 3 beautiful children wh try so hard to do what is right. they love each other, have their moments, but theyare truly friends. I am blessed with a job thta i mostly love with great co workers. I have a home that I love(depsite the reason why I bought it. There are memories of Corey taht can be erased with time but more can be made with my little family). I have an awesome ward family with a bishop who truly loves the members. I have even more amazing blood family who are tghere through the thick and thin no matter what kind of boneheaded mistakes I make. I have wonderful friends who are there to offer a smile or words of encouragement. I have the scriptures where I can find peace and comfort. I can pray and what an amazing things happen when I turn life over to God. so these are a few of my divine signatures that are written by Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. The last 6 mos have been very difficult emotionally. Never one to be depressed I found myself in a well looking up for recue. I am on medication low dose but I never realized how much my thyroid controlled several parts of who I am . Thanks for believing in me. It's nice to truly feel peace.

So after talking to a dear friend of mine, I realized that the emotions I am feeling are normal part of the grieving process. I never had a complete break of my formal family until recently. It's like the loss and pain are new in a different way. Until a few weeks ago I still had the support of an amazing family and ow well I realize I am not the flesh and blood and I had a fantasy vision of always being loved and accepted by them. After all it was their son who had offended not me! well as I have been going to the temple and continuing in prayer and so forth I realized that He woukld never feel loved and accepted by his family with me around. The hurt is overwhelming at times. I stayed in Idaho so that my kids could see their father and under the impression I would have outside support. I know the Lord is aware of me. I am receiving support as much as they can from my dear family 2k miles away and my brother and sister in law here. But I have even got the support of someone who truly undertsands from experience, Jen my dear friend. I also have met a few people in my ward who have similar expereince that have been brought into my life. I love all my friends and family far and near who are praying for me aND offering words of compfort. I also came to understand even more there are severeal steps of grief. I am not crazy or unstable because I get angry at people who hurt me or my children. It's ok and normal for me to get angry when I see my ex or think about the circumstances i am in. It's ok to have negative feelings about Corey and how he too hurt me in ways that ran deep to the core. I can have these feeling and it's normal as long as I don't get stuck. I am ok and no I don't need professional help, I believe with all my heart taht I would have expereinced these feelings 3 yrs ago if things went as they should have instead of still being connected to the cox family. I love my children and am grateful for my family both blood and ward, and I know that it's ok to experience feelings. the Lord gave us feelings so we could expereince life both the good and bad.

today is a new day. a new beginning of sorts. I hurt so badly when my children are hurting. last night mackenzie cried with me over some choices her father has made. She said daddy buys things for tracey so he won't lose her, but he still hasn't bought me my bike for my birthday. He promised me mommy. Then to find out that he flew his girlfriend down to vegas in october for a vacation with him, but couldn't afford child support for months or buy his daughter a birthday present!he is so focused on his fiance that he is hurting his children terribly. I pray for my kids everyday. I have even been asked to step away as a cox to allow her to be loved by them! I am only in Idaho so my kids can see their dad...oh how i wish I would've moved away 3 years ago for a fresh start anywhere. Now I feel so alone....I know this statement might hurt, but things would have been better if my husband died over a divorce! His parents said to me once how they are so happy that Min can stay home with her kids. It would've been hard for her children if she would have had to go to work, Well There are 3 other grandchildren that have suffered greatly that they don't seem to recognize. They cry at times because they miss their mommy. I have to work over time most weeks just because their dad doesn't pay his child support. A friend of mine in my ward has been through both a death of her husband and a divorce.....she stated that divorce is much harder! when her husband passed away she knew she and her children were loved. The divorce was bitter to be openly rejected and unloved is a harder pill to swallow, I will continue to have Hope which will lead to greater Faith and eventuallu I will know I am truly loved by someone out there!!

Wow whatever happened to my updating my blog? oops:) so I am going to just leave a short message about HOPE.(i'll try to get a general update the next few weeks). So why do I celebrate Easter? Is it about plastic eggs, Easter baskets, and the Easter bunny? As I have pondered the last few years throughout the many trials and challenges that have come my way, I have come to have a few new insights. Yes it is about our Savior Jesus Christ and His resurrection. Because He arose from the tomb I will see my loved ones again and be with my family forever. THis year I have come to believe it's also about HOPE. Hope leads to faith which leads to knowledge of thruths. I need Hope that today has more to offer and the future holds great blessings. I cannot change the past, I can learn from the expereinces. I have faith that my Heavenly Father and Savior are aware of me and the struggles I face. Because the Savior set the perfect example I can one day forgive others completely. Until that day I will keep praying for the strength to forgive piece by piece.

So where oh where do I begin? I decided to start from the present and go back from here. Oct. 22-24 I had the experience to run the ragnar relay in Las Vegas. A year ago my dear brother-in-law Jeremy Kunz was hit by a drunk driver and killed while running this relay. Many family members have joined the running and especially the ragnar family. As we ran for 32 hrs with little sleep and lots of emotional and physical exertion we finished 41st out of 359 teams. I was runner 2 with 3 legs to run measuring 19 miles I was dedfinitely challenged. Bloody toes, blisters, and complete exhaustion was felt. Our van 1 took a moment to stop near the scene of the accident to pay tribute to a lost brother. The friendships and relationships were strengthened during the close proximities and stinch in a vehicle for just over 32 hrs. The 1st run for me was 9 miles. I thought hey I just ran a PR in my pocatello half-marathon this should be a piece of cake. Well the run that was suppose to have little elevation climb turned out to be 9 miles UP HILL! By the end of our 3rd legs we decided that the course map was drawn upside down and if we turned the map over that would represent the true course uphill! It was so much fun and I am excited to do 3 ragnar relays next year instead of only 2 we did this year. I will post pictures soon:)
Then on Oct 26th I had a major surgery. I had a total thyroidectomy and partial parathyroedectomy. I was blessed with some great in-laws(ok former but I still love them) to leave their home in se idaho and spend almost 2 weeks here watching my children so I could play in vegas and recooperate from surgery. Poor Brendan slept sitting up in a chair all night long just so I wasn't alone in the hospital. Kim(g-pa) stayed at my house keeping the troops in-line and doing a daddy-do list for me:)! I came home on the 27th and ended back in the hospital 2 days later(the day kim and brenda went home) with some post-op complications. After 2 more days in St. Al's I was released home on the 31st....Halloween. I missed seeing the kids an enjoying the festivities . I am grateful for dear family and a kind neighbor and the one in a million boyfriend! Steph my sister in-law was responsible for a lot of my home care and stayed at the hospital for 10 hrs the day I was readmitted. Corey, well was a great trooper. Took me in at 0600 for my surgery stayed all day to make sure I came out alive:). I don't remember a lot of things that happened that day due to the meds I was on. All I know Is I felt like I was wrapped in the arms a loved ones. I am soo blessed to have the cox family in my life and treating me still like their own daughter. My children have been blessed with great grandparents and aunts and unlces who love them dearly. So here is to life and the struggles that come our way. I know my Heavenly Father is aware of me and my struggles. I feel His Love in my life everyday.
I will post pictures of race and surgery this week:)

So it has been more than a year since I have blogged anything about my little family of 4! Today I want to restart the story of my reason for living. I love my 3 children and am missing them tonight as they are with their dad. A lot of things have transpired this past year. A full update to come this weekend. For tonight you all get my recommittment to tell a famoly story for others to read. A story about love, sorrows, happiness, losses, and blessings.

so I am recommitting to running again...about a month of solid running again. Training for a relay the Wasatch back in Utah and the full marathon in pocatello next September. Kind of slacked off after my half in September was burnt out so i only ran 3 days a week just to do some. I am finally getting over the love/hate relationship with running where most days I enjoy it. Life continues to be busy working full-time and kids, but love being home every night with them. I do not however enjoy waking up at the butt-crack of dawn oh wait a minute its 0 dark 30 when I wake up! kids are doing great especially since daddy has been watching them the last month. been good for the boys.

today after all the thanksgiving activities of the weekend I started thinking about life the ups and downs that comes. Being a single mom is very difficult on those rough days when exhaustion is at its peak and I want to cry from complete and utter fatigue, the Lord seems to give me that little extra help to get through the homework, dishes, baths and scriptures/prayers in time for bed for us all without an emotional breakdown. Sometimes we wonder why the challenges are not going away....my last few days I have learned that the miracle of it all is that the Lord is helping us make it alone with him! I did not request this challenge nor did I ever think it would last this long, but I do know that with the help of my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ I am OK being a single mom. As long as my kids know that I know the gospel is true and can teach them to have righteous desires than the rest will be worked out if not in this life than in the eternities. What I do know is that the Lord is aware of each of us and our struggles and he will come maybe not until the 11Th hour of our trial but He will come when we can no longer do it alone.

i am so thankful for my blessings some of which are difficult trials. I love my children and my family. for those who keep wondering about Corey and I still dating no wedding plans in the near future. I want to be treated like gold and until I feel like I am loved and cherished I need to wait for time to tell. I am thankful for my family and all of their love and support. in case I don't get a chance to blog soon....Happy holidays and remember the blessings in our life

here's a link if you want to read jer's story!
http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=148&sid=8283956

For those who don't know my brother-in-law Jeremy Kunz was killed on Saturday while participating in the ragnar las Vegas relay. he was hit by a drunk driver. He is survived by his beautiful wife Min and three children Brinci, toby and Gage. The funeral was beautiful and I am inspired by Jer and min as always. The family is doing a run at Wasatch back in June as a tribute to Jer. We will be team 2 the "really don't wannabes". You can search Ragnar relays to hear the story of Jer and make donations for min and the Kids. Thank you for all the love and support.

Update on me and the kids. Just bought a house and closed on September 15. It's a brand new home just built with 4 bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths 2431 sq feet. Love it. Still dating Corey Christensen and loving every minute of it. My computer crashed about 2 months ago so I am way behind on my blog. I got a promotion at work and am now working day shift and it came with a good raise. Mackenzie now 10 is in the 5th grade and is in 6th grade reading and math. she is adjusting to yet another new school quite well. Kyle is now 5 and is a kind hearted little guy. he loves playing with Brevan and is a great helper to his mommy. Brevan now 3 is a busy little guy as always. loves to torment his brother and sister relentlessly! He has a sweet and strong willed spirit...just got to get it channeled. for those who didn't know Brendan moved to Boise area this summer. it's been nice for the kids the last 2 months to have more regular visits with him. Hopefully it will pay off with a good relationship for them. we will see. I will try to post some pictures soon:)

okay so I have fallen way behind on my blog. Mostly due to many of you having face book, but I am recommitted to catching you all up and staying on top of things. But now I will just do a generalized update and restart my seven on Sunday next week:)

So the past month in a half has been busy in so many ways. I met Corey the beginning of June and seems to be taking all my free time spending with each other. A little bit about him. Corey is a wonderful man who happens to be a sport fanatic in a good way! He has 4 children and 2 grandchildren...oh and he is 45. We have so much fun together and my kids adore him and he treats them like he would his own. He is active in church and temple worthy. We love going to the temple together and trash talking each other. Now his son is joining in the fun. We went to hit the ball this past week and I guess his son didn't get the memo that I played softball for 13 years! long story short i got blisters on my hands but now he knows i can hit the ball! so spending time with each other and our children have brought a new sense of joy and happiness into my life that I never thought would happen again.

We just returned from our trip to Indiana about a week ago. My mom flew out the middle of June to help with childcare and then road back the 30 hours in the van with me. The kids traveled better than I thought they would. It was lots of fun to see my family who I haven't seen in almost 3 years. My brother-in-law and nephews took the kids fishing for their first time. they all caught cat fish and bass. We went swimming while in Indiana with a big slide. We all enjoyed the fun of the pool. Besides being crowded and very loud and messy at my parents it was overall OK. I forget some things then I return and am reminded why i left. It was awesome seeing one of my best friends Kelly while i was there too and her 2 kids. I had some tire issues that added some extra expenses but we returned OK. I didn't get to see a good friend while I was there(sorry Angie) due to family expecting ALL my time and then i had some house issues that i needed to return home early to try to get done before I was suppose to close(what good that did!!!).

I have been working about 100 hours every 2 weeks to help make up some missed child support payments and save a bit. but I love my job, the residents, and my co workers. My job has brought me a best friend(Jen) who has helped me the past 8 months more than my family could because she has experienced being divorced in the LDS culture.

I am so blessed in my life beyond comprehension. Even though I was frustrated with not getting the house because of someone Else's choice, I know the Lord has something in store for me. I have been blessed with a best friend in Corey who treats me like a queen. This week has been a very emotional and stressful week and he cheered me up by sending the most beautiful dozen of roses to work that anyone has ever seen. Needless to say they were all jealous and I felt loved. He cherishes me and protects me in ways I have never experienced and this in itself is a miracle. I have a good job, a place to live, and 3 healthy and beautiful children. I have the gospel that brings me peace in times of trials. Even more important I have a testimony of Jesus Christ and the healing power of the atonement as well as the miracle of repentance. I am thankful to my parents for sacrificing time and money to come out and help much this summer. I am also in debt to my ward for showing me over and over again the love and service a ward family can give. I know the Lord prepares us for blessings he has in store, and when the time is "RIGHT" we can receive those blessings. I love Corey and often realize that we met when we were both prepared to meet. Thanks for all you love and support of so many friends and family. I will keep you updated in case a wedding date comes up! I'll publish photos next week!!!!!

okay so how do you find out about people who are following your blog and you have no idea who they are? kind of weird but i would love to share ideas if that's why they are following my blog. I just get bothered not knowing if someone from my exes past will find me and be following what is going on with me and my kids. it happened on Myspace so it scares me a little. advice please!

wade...Brendan's littlest brother graduates from high school...go snake river(I guess better than anything if you're not from Idaho)

and yes he does look like mic

Kenzie throws te shotput...gets 5th overall!

mackenzie takes a little break at the meet

brianna runs the 400 m and did fabulous...this was for steph since she missed this 1st race!

more kiddos at grad

kenie preparing for the 50m dash at the all district 4th grade track and field meet

moms enjoying the joy school graduation with some down time

kids taking time to pester their mommy:)

Kyle passed year one!!!!

Kyle's joy school graduation pom-poms!

the kitchen view of our new home

The outside of our new home

SEVEN ON SUNDAY

1.this has been one of the craziest months ever. I have had to work on average 50 hours a week with multiple doubles. and this next month isn't looking much better in regards to work schedule. On my days off this past coupl eof weeks have been spent in doctors offices or driving 300 miles one way...so no wonder between working so much and not having any down time that I have finally got sick! with strep n0n the less:) The kids are doing well in spight of broken arms, colds from camping in the rain(which they loved every minute of), andfinally enjoying summer break which is sure to be just as busy! enough about the life of Jess on to the events that have been fun!!!!

2. The 4th grade had a district wide track and field meet the end of may. Mackenzie participated in 4 events...1 running and 3 field. SHe got 2 8th place finishes and a 5th place overall. She did her best especially considering how nervous she was. It was a good teaching moment for me. I told her that I was proud of her no matter what as long as she did her best and finished the race! She did great! It was a good time for us to support her as a family and the boys really enjoyed it and cheering for their sister.

3. Broken arm....the day before school was out last week I got a call while I was out visiting teaching from the school. Well because I wasn't home and it didn't occur to them to call my cell, I didn't get the message until 3 hours after they called at 1 pm. I called them back and they proceeded to tell me she was fine now. No more than 15 minutes later they called me back to come and get her. So I hurried to fix the boys some lunch to eat in the van and headed over. I picked her up and realized that there was something wrong when the assistant said she'd gone through 4 ice packs and had some tylenol. I tried many of my usual sitters with kids my boys age...no one was available and poor steph was in BOISE. So i called someone I wouldn't have normally thought of after I prayed. She was more than Happy to watch my boys and they ran into her home. I know that I was inspired to call someone who would be kind to my children at this time of need. So off to urgent care for kenzie's arm. 3 1/2 hours later got the verdict she had a hairline fracture. Now waiting to go back for our follow-up...she's only splinted right now and shouldn't have to be casted. I picked up my bays later and you could tell all fell into place with Heavenly Father's help. Maybe because I went VT don't know just am greatful for an answered prayer during the broken bone time:)

4. Preschool Graduation....The next day after the broken bone i was in charge of the preschool graduation at my place. Thanks to the moms who willingly took on assignments to help me out. The pompom and caps were spectacular...There's no way I could've done them. The kids sang their little hearts out and My brother did a good job at being the commentator:) you just gotta know Nate to appreciate it! It was a fun year with Joy school but it definitely added more things to do to the plate that was already full. So I think next year we'll pay for the last year of prechool just so I don't have to teach!(I know selfish but worth it)

5. Well Wade Brendan's youngest brother graduated from high school this past week. SO after working 60 hours I took the kids down there on wednesday and drove back on thursday so I could work 18 hours on Friday and drive to Burley to pick them up on Saturday(for those who don't know it's about 300 miles one way for this trip). So after all that It was definitely worth seeing all the in-laws and cousins. PLus I wouldn't have been able to expereince the Hail storm and Wade's fabulous but short speech at graduation! Plus how could I have answered my noys question, " mommy why is everything here PURPLE?" So any snake river fans have that answer for my sweet boys?

6. Kids camping trip with Grandma and Grandpa....The Cox's had a mini reunion after the graduation at city of rocks. From my understanding it rained a lot and the kids loved the rocks. That's all I can get out of my kids. By the looks of them they had a BLAST!!!!And I would make that drive again for them to have that experience and those family memories. But on the down side they now all have runny noses and coughs...plus with my strep we are a pretty grumpy little family right now!

7. Temple...The subject of our third hour combined meeting at church today given to us by our stake president and his wife. the three topics were .1. preparing to receive your own temple blessings 2. always having a current temple recommend and if you don't get one 3. regularly and frequently attending the temple. There was such a beautiful spirit in the meeting and I was reminded about my first experience in the temple. It was on my 12Th birthday and we were finally being sealed as a family in the Chicago temple. Seeing everyone all dressed in white and how happy they all looked made my make a promise to myself that day to live my life so that I can have the blessing of an eternal family of my own. As I reflect up on my life I have found the greatest peace in the temple and have learned more about the Love our Father in Heaven has for each of us. Life doesn't always work out the way we may have planned when we were 12, but the blessings of the temple are always there. I want to testify that although my family may be different than I had originally planned it is still a family that is bound by a priesthood sealing ordinance. The Lord is merciful and I will not believe that I cannot be with my children in the eternities. So to those who are wondering about the reality of the power and peace the temple can bring into your life....test it out for yourself. Become worthy to enter and see what miracles the Lord can do!

okay this monkey was definitely posing for pictures!








mother's day....kenzie trying out her photo skills










the sleeping tigers








the beautiful Cat!











my children were nesting





































asia in idaho?

Seven on Sunday

1. Happy Mother's Day to all my wonderful Mom and friends. We are truly blessed to have the privilege of being called "mommy". A mother's day quote by Marjorie Hinkley, "there is no such thing as the perfect mother............ we just do the best we can with the help of the Lord, and who knows, these children who are struggling to be free may someday rise up and call us blessed."

2. So this past 2 weeks have been filled with sickness for our little family. Started with Mackenzie puking all over my brother's bathroom floor and wall while I was at work. He was such a good sport and cleaned it all up. Then 2 days later Kyle woke up in the middle of the night puking and I was suppose to work at 6 am so I had to call in (my first time in almost a year). then I woke up the next day with the other problem:) and then Sunday morning last week was puking while sitting on the toilet....ARGH!!! Brevan walks in and asks is that poop in the trash? gotta love kids. The best is that brevan was bypassed this time around!

3. House Hunting is FINALLY over. I am in contract with a brand new 4 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath with a family room and living room. I LOVE it! thanks to my wonderful new friend and agent Denise. She has been a godsend these past 2 months. Not only with house hunting but being a wonderful friend. I am closing on the house June 17. Hoping to move it up a week or 2. Will find out this week if that is possible. I will post pictures of the house this week:)

4. Day with the kids at the Zoo. So I was feeling sorry for myself this past few weeks. Being alone on Mother's day doing the same thing as any other day of the week or year. So I decided to take the kids out and have some fun. So we went to the Boise Zoo. They had so much fun seeing animals, playing on animal slides and acting like monkeys in the education centers. They were good and it wasn't too hot to enjoy like our last zoo trip in DC for those who remember that! after the zoo we went to chuckie cheese's. of course they loved it and i was plum tired of kids and noise by the end of the day!

5. My job is wonderful. We have a new resident who is a strong member of the church who helped with the cristus in Temple square. I went to work one day and he was drinking coffee. I asked him why and he said that's all they ever offer me here.....I was livid. You don't do that to Alzheimer's patients. They may be losing there mind but we don't disrespect their values and beliefs. I asked him if he was suppose to drink it and he smiled and said No and then replied to me you are a Mormon too huh? These are the ones you really grow to love. I did talk to my aids and explain a little thing about respecting things people hold sacred and not to violate those things.

6. School is almost over and it is not coming soon enough. Between school with kenzie, preschool with Kyle, and me working I am plum burned out. I have decided not to do Joy school next year and put Kyle in a Pre-K program and not stress myself anymore. Kenz is excited to do some camps this summer...a science and tennis one. it will be fun for her. WE are also having my parents here for 2 weeks each and then we are driving to Indiana for 2 weeks. so the summer will be full of fun and family.

7. I just want to tell everyone Thank You for all of your prayers and support this past year. Many changes have taken place and seem to be almost monthly. But through it all I have greatly appreciated the love and support from friends and family. I know the Lord is watching over me and my kids. Some days are easier than others but each day comes a new hope that all will be well. Plus look what I have learned to do on my own! definitely don't recommend it but does make you realize that all things are possible with God.

Finished product of our Easter cookies

Kenzie showing her thrill of making the cookies

Kyle is so proud he cut it out all by himself

Brevan...oh the one he didn't eat before it was baked:)

Mom is trying to just finish up...past bedtime, and I just love making sugar cookies. Just not 5 dozen of them!

My baby is almost three...Brevan

my three joys in this life...Kyle, Mackenzie, and Brevan

My little girl is growing into a beautiful young lady

pose one! two! and three!

Kyle...when did he become 5...almost

Seven On (what day is it:)) Sunday!

1. I am posting pictures first! I cannot believe it has been more than a month since I have posted. a lot has been going on and life always seems to be full of major decisions for me! so for number one...I am looking to buy a house. It has been a stressful adventure and I am hoping the "one" will come along and be what I love. To find one the I think I can afford versus what the bank says I an afford is becoming a challenge for me. I guess if it's meant to be it will happen. Wish me luck!

2. Spring Break....Well the kids spend 5 days(thurs-tues) with their dad in pocatello/Blackfoot. To say the least "daddy" got a taste of my life. Mackenzie had croup and vomiting going on most of the time, Kyle had the diarrhea which is so much fun cleaning out of underwear, and Brevan well he was himself do I need to say more. Then the night before he brought them to me his fuel pump went out of his car. I felt bad for him, and he finally has a feel for what i do everyday. Balancing work, sick kids, and any kind of disaster that entails them both and in between. Brendan's was just compacted into 4 days....sorry but I did laugh.

I worked 58 hours that weekend in 3 days so I was glad he had the kids and they seemed to enjoy seeing family for a few days.

3. Easter Cookies galour. Well a tradition I started when Kenzie was a toddler is making sugar cookies for Easter, Halloween, and Christmas. This year I have had to force myself to get into the mood to do this with the kids. It's something they look forward too and something mom dreads! We did survive. I decided to half the recipe so I didn't end up with 10 dozen! Between that and brevan eating the dough nonstop we ended up with 4 dozen. This was brevan's first year to really get into it and it was fun watching Kyle show him what to do and kenzie mothering them both. I did still have to finish them after they went to bed. My coworkers really enjoyed them too! I can't eat them so I have to take the goodies out:)

4. Easter egg hunt at my work. Well the it was rainy and I had to work a semi double the night before...my pm shift plus nocs. I was half tempted not to take them since i was going on 3 hours of sleep and had a 4 hour drive to se idaho. Well I took them and I'm glad I did. Kyle laughed and smiled the whole time and found 46 eggs all filled with candy...ARGH! Brevan cried and didn't want anything to do with the hunt until a Coworker of mine showed him the chocolate and then he found 35 eggs. Kenzie did well too and that meant my kids had their treats for our road trip:)

5. Saturday before Easter we went to Brendan' sisters wards Easter breakfast and hunt. The food was good and the candy even better! Later we decorated eggs. Once again it was fun watching Brevan enjoy all this for his first time. Kyle is becoming quite the artist and likes to design his eggs now, and Mackenzie is getting to that age where she wants to keep being a kid and trying to grow up. I'll keep her a kids as long as I can!

6. Me well I have been working my butt off with a personal trainer and a meal plan. I've lost 8 pounds in 5 weeks and she is killing me which is helping me train for my half-marathon that I am registered for. I never knew my muscles could hurt so much after weight training. My run time is actually improving. Who knew the key ti decreasing your time was in the weight training not running more! The good thing is i am definitely more conscious of my food especially since I'm paying someone to tell me what to eat and how to work out:) I am enjoying work still...minus the heat of this past week! It was registering 94 degrees in the building. All the dementia patients were stripping...we had a nudist colony on that unit for a few days. I almost joined them!

7. We had stake conference this past weekend. It was a broadcast from SLC. The talk that hit home to me the most was from Elder Christopherson of the quorum of the twelve. He talked a lot about repentance, and told a story about a friend who had been excommunicated. He said this friend after being excommunicated became comfortable in his new lifestyle. After quite some time he finally felt like something was missing. His family and the church. He went through with the repentance process humbly and was eventually re baptized. Elder Christopherson stated that at that minute during the baptism he felt a strong witness that said this man is clean he is clean! What an experience. I know loved ones who are praying for this same miracle to happen. I know in my heart it will someday and he too will be clean again and the sins will be forgotten by the Lord. The lord wants us to help those to repent with a loving hand of fellowship and a nonjudgmental friendship. I am so grateful for the atonement of our Savior and know that we all need repentance and healing in our lives at some point if not everyday. So here's to knowing we are all children of our Heavenly Father and all striving for a common goal eternal life with HIM. Some of us take side streets and lots of turns along the way, but the goal is the same. I love my Savior and know he lives and loves us all no matter what!

Seven on Sunday

1.So I got my hair done AGAIN! It's nice for $20 bucks I can get my hair cut and colored...plus my eyebrows and lip waxed. So due to this I seem to get my hair done every 2 months. This time I went a little bold and I LOVE it. it feels good to have someone make you feel beautiful...right ladies!

2.So Jared a friend of mine told me about this awesome park in downtown Boise located in the foothills, Camel's Back. So yesterday since it was near 60 and sunny and i was off work, me and the kids ventured on a trip. It was absolutely beautiful(and yes i am saying areas in Idaho are beautiful). There was a fun playground before you hot the trails. This picture is on top of one of the trails looking North away from the city. Took my breath away to think of all the majesty of our Heavenly Father's and Savior's creations!

3.this is a picture of the boys sliding down the Camel's Back. It was much easier climbing up this hill than coming down thus the reason for sliding:). My boys did so good at hiking. Brevan at 2 1/2 amazed me with his ability to go like the energizer bunny. Wish i could bottle up that energy and I'm sure I'd make millions. Kyle loves to show his little brother how to do new things. So it was fun for me to watch them slide together and of course Kyle had to go first. I pray that he will always want to show Brevan how to do the "right" things the "right" way!

4. The kids made it up the trails with little complaining. As you can see they are all smiling. They had fun running ahead of each other and then sitting down to wait for the rest of us. Mackenzie continues to amaze me with how much she can help out with the boys and at times like today actually enjoys it. My heart took several pictures and captured memories that the camera never will be able to do. Thanks to my kids for helping me find Joy in this journey that has been difficult the last few months. Picture of Kyle still going after our 3mile hike(i know some of you are thinking only 3 miles but hey it was a lot of up hills and I am not a pack mule so carrying kids back wasn't an option)

5. After all of our playing and hiking we headed back down old town Boise(btw is beautiful) and we found this adorable little ice cream parlor. So to end the day we stopped for ice cream dinner(we ate a picnic on our trails) about 5:30 pm. The ice cream is all homemade and is FABULOUS and fattening. It was SO good buck to be honest way too rich to eat to much. I sure felt sick afterwards. The place also sells homemade candies and the kids wanted to try everything, but mom had to say no!

6. Church today was GREAT! finally we sat through and entire sacrament meeting and I even was able to listen to most of the 2 talks. Brevan stayed after crying a little bit in nursery which is a bonus. He hasn't stayed in weeks. The thing I loved the most was being able to feel the spirit before and during church. The kids all got ready with no fighting and to church on time. I love it when all things seem to go smoothly. It was an answer to many prayers and tears. So here's to more great Sabbaths.

7. Faith....today one of the talks was about faith. The high counselor spoke of a man's love for his dear wife who suffered from Alzheimer's disease and hadn't recognized him in 5 years. The talk went on to say that she may not know me but I still know her and one day she will know that I still loved her when she couldn't show me the same love. WOW! I realized how much this is the kind of eternal relationship I want in my life. Since working with Alzheimer's for almost 8 months I see glimpses of this love. One little old lady brings her husband a milkshake every Saturday because that was their tradition. He still doesn't recognize her, but it sure warms my heart as I see him walking down the hall for minutes eating that milkshake and smiling not knowing who brought him this little piece of heaven. May we have this kind of faith in the eternal promise of eternal relationships and family.

Seven On Sunday

1. Okay so everyone comments how positive I always am and I really try to be happy about life. Well this once I am going to state something and I hope it makes us more aware of how we treat people or at least think before we speak. This past months has been challenging with very personal decisions made. What I will say is I know the Lord is aware of each of us our feelings, trials, and especially our needs. After being divorced for almost 8 months now a few things we as members of the church need to realize.

one-you cannot assume any reasons for peoples divorce. we don't know the story so let's not speculate.

two-most women who divorce for similar reasons go through a series of grieving processes, but the one that seems to come back again is that we would get more support emotional from our wards if our husbands had died.

three- read the article in the February ensign almost last page about single mom's. We feel awful for asking for help more frequently. sometimes it's nice when a person recognizes a need and volunteers to help....some obvious is the lack of priesthood we have in our homes, what can you do as a priesthood holder. So here is my venting!

2. Last week we had the most beautiful rainbow in the world after a freak rainstorm. I instantly thought of the song.....when I am baptized. How clean and pure the air smelled and then to look up and see the rainbow as a reminder of our Heavenly Father's love. What a feeling of peace I experienced.

3. Joy School. This months we are learning about the joy of trust and confidence and teaching our children these truths. we talked about seasons and mother nature and how we can trust mother nature....Kyle(who's the oldest) said, "mommy mother nature doesn't make the season Heavenly Father and Jesus do!" Wow they do remind of us simple truths. So I continued to teach something that I had to be STRONGLY reminded of at the moment that we can always trust Heavenly Father and Jesus and that builds confidence the eternal scheme of things. Especially when we are amidst a trial.

4. Mackenzie just participated in Jump rope for Heart last week. She really had fun practicing and then performing well. She is growing up into this young woman right before my eyes. She loves life and really tries to see positive things. As a result i was reminded that she is still yet my baby girl and I need to let her still be a child. I took this dilemma to the Lord because I have added more responsibility to her than maybe I should have when the divorce happened. After a couple of weeks of not expecting her to babysit so much...Wow! she loves her brothers again. I am grateful Heavenly Father showed me the way that I could still exercise and have that time for myself(which I feel makes me a better mom) without her feeling like she has to be the mom. Thanks for the small reminders that help us see the problems and find the answers.

5. Brevan continues to grow and become such a little man. I can hardly believe he will be 3 in a few months. he loves learning and having to mommy time 2 days a week. Still can pitch a hellacious fit but they are becoming fewer times a day:)

6. Anatomy....so we discovered that our female "blossom" cat is indeed not a girl at all. As we were scratching her tummy the other day brevan points down and says mommy look a snake! oh yea she or he had an erection. So now we have decided that he needs to get a new collar instead of the pink sparkly one with a bell. Can't change the name because he answers to Blossom! So i think there was a reason I went into nursing and not veterinarian career.

7. The Lord keeps opening windows when the doors seem to be shutting all around me. After telling Mike that it was over and to lose my number I felt lonely for a few weeks. Gave me time to forget about men and refocus on being a mom and what it is I really want out of Life. Do I just want to get married to someone because he is a member and holds the priesthood, or do I want that plus someone who cares for me and puts me first? I realized it's okay to be friends and date for a while. on that note I am dating someone else after not going on a date in 5 weeks. It's nice to have a friend. This time no child meeting until we see where we want things to go if anywhere. The good thing is that I have a new workout partner who is killing me in a good way...he's a marine who spent 2 tours in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. So physical fitness is important to him. so ending on a good note....thanks for not giving up on this bonehead girl. i will figure it all out with the Lord's help and all of your encouragement.

(okay one more thing my brother sean came up last week for a visit from texas...he's getting divorced so it was a needed break for him. so the picture of him and nate was a priceless one a captured with my phone)