something I learned this week. Faith is knowing that God is happy with the direction your life is heading!!!! I will write more tomorrow about my journey in self-discovery....

anger...how do you get over hurt and anger when you are faced with the person on a regular basis. I met with the bishop again tonight. I asked him "how do I look at Corey every sunday and not scream inside and want to yeel out loud so that anyone or just someone could see and feel my pain caused by him?" someone tell me how do you get over the feelings of rejection and the thoughts that you are no good for anyone? because sometimes I feel like that if I was better looking or wouldn't have gained weight after my surgery then just maybe I might have been worth keeping. If maybe I turned the cheek a little more then maybe my marriage wouldn't have fallen apart....if only's and what might have been's sometimes overcome my thoughts during the day. why did both corey and brendan profess their love when they really didn't have any true feelings for me. My bishop is an amazing man. After mtg with him twice this week he was blunt tonight.....said he had some righteous anger and almost hostility towards the men who have hurt me deeply. He was glad that i came in not scared to share or confess ALL my weaknesses and faults. I am thankful for the Atonement even more at this difficult time in my life emotionally.....

So I decided to write some of my divine signatures that I've realized in the past few weeks. 1. I am blessed with 3 beautiful children wh try so hard to do what is right. they love each other, have their moments, but theyare truly friends. I am blessed with a job thta i mostly love with great co workers. I have a home that I love(depsite the reason why I bought it. There are memories of Corey taht can be erased with time but more can be made with my little family). I have an awesome ward family with a bishop who truly loves the members. I have even more amazing blood family who are tghere through the thick and thin no matter what kind of boneheaded mistakes I make. I have wonderful friends who are there to offer a smile or words of encouragement. I have the scriptures where I can find peace and comfort. I can pray and what an amazing things happen when I turn life over to God. so these are a few of my divine signatures that are written by Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. The last 6 mos have been very difficult emotionally. Never one to be depressed I found myself in a well looking up for recue. I am on medication low dose but I never realized how much my thyroid controlled several parts of who I am . Thanks for believing in me. It's nice to truly feel peace.

So after talking to a dear friend of mine, I realized that the emotions I am feeling are normal part of the grieving process. I never had a complete break of my formal family until recently. It's like the loss and pain are new in a different way. Until a few weeks ago I still had the support of an amazing family and ow well I realize I am not the flesh and blood and I had a fantasy vision of always being loved and accepted by them. After all it was their son who had offended not me! well as I have been going to the temple and continuing in prayer and so forth I realized that He woukld never feel loved and accepted by his family with me around. The hurt is overwhelming at times. I stayed in Idaho so that my kids could see their father and under the impression I would have outside support. I know the Lord is aware of me. I am receiving support as much as they can from my dear family 2k miles away and my brother and sister in law here. But I have even got the support of someone who truly undertsands from experience, Jen my dear friend. I also have met a few people in my ward who have similar expereince that have been brought into my life. I love all my friends and family far and near who are praying for me aND offering words of compfort. I also came to understand even more there are severeal steps of grief. I am not crazy or unstable because I get angry at people who hurt me or my children. It's ok and normal for me to get angry when I see my ex or think about the circumstances i am in. It's ok to have negative feelings about Corey and how he too hurt me in ways that ran deep to the core. I can have these feeling and it's normal as long as I don't get stuck. I am ok and no I don't need professional help, I believe with all my heart taht I would have expereinced these feelings 3 yrs ago if things went as they should have instead of still being connected to the cox family. I love my children and am grateful for my family both blood and ward, and I know that it's ok to experience feelings. the Lord gave us feelings so we could expereince life both the good and bad.

today is a new day. a new beginning of sorts. I hurt so badly when my children are hurting. last night mackenzie cried with me over some choices her father has made. She said daddy buys things for tracey so he won't lose her, but he still hasn't bought me my bike for my birthday. He promised me mommy. Then to find out that he flew his girlfriend down to vegas in october for a vacation with him, but couldn't afford child support for months or buy his daughter a birthday present!he is so focused on his fiance that he is hurting his children terribly. I pray for my kids everyday. I have even been asked to step away as a cox to allow her to be loved by them! I am only in Idaho so my kids can see their dad...oh how i wish I would've moved away 3 years ago for a fresh start anywhere. Now I feel so alone....I know this statement might hurt, but things would have been better if my husband died over a divorce! His parents said to me once how they are so happy that Min can stay home with her kids. It would've been hard for her children if she would have had to go to work, Well There are 3 other grandchildren that have suffered greatly that they don't seem to recognize. They cry at times because they miss their mommy. I have to work over time most weeks just because their dad doesn't pay his child support. A friend of mine in my ward has been through both a death of her husband and a divorce.....she stated that divorce is much harder! when her husband passed away she knew she and her children were loved. The divorce was bitter to be openly rejected and unloved is a harder pill to swallow, I will continue to have Hope which will lead to greater Faith and eventuallu I will know I am truly loved by someone out there!!

Wow whatever happened to my updating my blog? oops:) so I am going to just leave a short message about HOPE.(i'll try to get a general update the next few weeks). So why do I celebrate Easter? Is it about plastic eggs, Easter baskets, and the Easter bunny? As I have pondered the last few years throughout the many trials and challenges that have come my way, I have come to have a few new insights. Yes it is about our Savior Jesus Christ and His resurrection. Because He arose from the tomb I will see my loved ones again and be with my family forever. THis year I have come to believe it's also about HOPE. Hope leads to faith which leads to knowledge of thruths. I need Hope that today has more to offer and the future holds great blessings. I cannot change the past, I can learn from the expereinces. I have faith that my Heavenly Father and Savior are aware of me and the struggles I face. Because the Savior set the perfect example I can one day forgive others completely. Until that day I will keep praying for the strength to forgive piece by piece.