My reason for living

Friday.....This day has become one of dread. It's a day of the week set aside in the mormon culture as date night. For me it is a reminder of how lonely my nights have once again become. I did enjoy the date night for almost a year in a half with Corey. Sometimes I wonder if I ever knew what Love really felt like. Was it love with Corey or just a person to feel a void in my life? Were we really ever friends or just a couple afarid of dying alone? What does real love feel like? I thought at one time I knew with both Brendan and Corey now I wonder if ever it was real? will I ever experience that feeling of feeling safe and protected both physically and emotionally? Will there ever be someone who could love my children and not think of them as a nuisance? Someone who wants to grow old with me and build dreams that can last forever....not just promise me one day a week and a few minutes a day! How can people profess to love someone and so easily walk away and never look back not even a glance and say God told me to leave! I often think who would notice if I weren't here? does my life mean something more than just to my children? is there someone out there who cares when I have had a horrible week emotionally or will it always just be the quiet tears shed alone in the dark with no one there to care why??? If I died tonight will I have left this world a better place because I lived in it? I am so blessed to have my children with me and the gospel in my life. I feel comfort at times when I just feel like giving up the most. Will I be refined enough after the trials to be welcomed home with open arms or will I turn away because I feel unworthy? Peace will come bit by bit line upon line and precept upon precept. So tonight my prayer is for peace and endurance to just put one step in front of the other and carry on to the next day.......These are the thoughts I have when Friday comes!