My reason for living

So I decided the write about closure and ending a chapter in your life and beginning a new one. Friday Night Brendan and I decided we REALLY needed to just sit down and talk about the direction we are heading. It started out with him refusing to let me take kids to indiana and then of course I said he couldn't take kids to Utah. When did we both become so selfish and make it about us adults instead of what's best for the kids. So this is what I learned during our 4 hr long talk at McDonald's(i know of all places). I never considered looking at myself through his eye. In his mind I allowed the Mormon culture to ruin our marriage. I saw his point to a degree. I should have went to work 4 years ago when I was more marketable than he was. I began with no communication and ended in some realizations on my part. His view of me now is I have the brand new house and brand new van while he's living in a trashy trailer and driving a POS truck. My view of his situation is I got a new van to lower my monthly car payment by $120.00 a month. I got a brand new house that I am buying for teh same price I was renting. I am the one who works 50 hours a week, pay medical bill and insurance, daycare expenses, school clothes, lunches, field trips, extracurricular activities, I am the one who gets to kiss the dissappointment away when daddy doesn't come to the first christmas program or misses and orchestra concert. I am the one who stays up all night with the sick kid. he got to sit on his butt for 2 years living of a college fund taht was similay to my wages and then still didn't pay child support. So our perception of the other's life had formed our realities. Now I understand a little bit more about him. we have both changed the last 3 years greatly. What I reaLIZED Is I don't know him anymore. And he doesn't know me. I also learned a hard truth about myself....I haven't let go of the past and the hurt he caused me. I needed him to FINALLY acknowledge the pain and hurt. When he realized he had never asked for my forgiveness he knew why I hadn't let go of the past. I accepted his genuine apology and a burden was lifted. I also found out how prideful I had been all these years. I thought I was the better parent because I hadn't done the same sins as him.....what I rediscovered is taht I am NO better than him. Just as Brendan can't fully repent and return home with the atonement neither can I. we both rely upon the Lord's mercy to save us. SO i am owning up my faults and imperfections. I just want to work best for the kids. So despite all the advice I have been given...I am redoing the parenting plan that wroks for us BOTH. I am not forgiving any child support and he understands that, but I couldn't keep going on theway it has been for months with hostile exchanges and hurtful words. I just pray I can learn to forgive and truly do what is best for my children.