When will it be over? The question for the year! So my lawyer got a counter complaint for custody from Brendan's lawyer....so how dare Brendan call me at work begging for mercy to revoke cs order 2 weeks ago and then have some spontaneous luck with money for a lawyer. He is suing for 50/50 custody and wants me to keep 100% of the costs stating I make more than him. Little does he know the State of Idaho ia already aware that I am only working 16 hrs a week so his idea of me paying him child supprt is so far fetched. All he wants to do is get out of financial responsibility. He's never paid a dime for healthcare, daycare, or any extracurricular activities in 3 years. He thinks that his fiance who has served time in jail, been on probabtion is going to be the one raising my children...he's out for the fight of my life! the kids don't ever ask to be with him....mackenzie wishes shoe could only see him once in a while. he's lived a life full of pronography, infidelity, lies. I would give anything to have him out of our lives forever....so here's my ranting! and who's here to help me with my fight...well he's got his family and his fiance and her family to support him in his life. How do you supoort someone in sin? I guess just as i am judging I will also be judged....since that seems to be the tale he keeps telling me they all feel about me anyways. why did I ever put him first and stay here in idaho so that he and his family can have a relationship with our children....what about their maternal family? oh well sometimes justice never comes til death!!!!!

it's been a while since i've posted. I have been sick for 3 weeks w strep and ear infections plus dental work on top of it all. I am just worn out! I have made some major decisions that will be best for my little family. I am short selling my house, going back to school to get my RN and then on for my Nurse Practioner's. I will only be working fri/sat nights and for the first time in 3 years I will be at home mostly w my children. The lord may close doors but He will open many windows of opportunity. I thought that when the door closed with Corey my heart was literally going to break. At times I even felt like I just couldn't catch my breath when I thought about him and especially seeing him at church. I was angry with him and brendan for not fulfilling their promises and felt like theywere the cause of my being stuck in a mortgage. What I din't realize was the Lord was humbling me. I finally don't blame either one I have negative emotional issues fwith living in my home that can only be resolved by moving and separating myself from the past dreams. My anger for the hurt Corey cause has resolved and I have almost forgiven him 100%. There ae still those random moments like when I see him w his girlfriend at church and wonder why i wasn't good enough for him...after all she has been excommunicated and has word of wisdom issues! well once again Heavenly Father thumped me on the head and said...the atonement is for everyone and Corey just wasn't right for you and you KNOW that after all the hurt and mistreatment of you and your kids. It still hurts at times regardless. Then with the issues with brendan finally a lawyer who is helping me win the fight of my life for my kids. It's amazing to finally be able to say to brendan when he complains..."it's not my problem!" I know I am doingwhat the Lord wants me to be doing and tyeaching my children some very tender truths about life in the process. I know that families are eternal even with my broken family I still have my kids sealed to me! So even though the nights are lonely and life just down right sucks at times...I know I am loved by my Savior and that the decisions I have made are right. I may never find another eternal companion in this life and that's ok...not my ideal situation, but I am ok with who I am. So here;s to the uncertain future with faith. To corey Christensen if you ever read my blog...I forgive you but I don't know how to forget you! The song austin keeps playing and hits to close to my feelings. I do know you were no good for me emotionally especially after my surgery. I know that I am a faithful member of the church who is temple worthy and will be blessed because I have truly repented and put my trust in God. To brendan, you have hurt me for so many years and for that I take responsibility. After taking a hard look at myself I realized I allowed you to be emotionally abusive for 10 years because of my type of personality. I own that, but no more. Your problems are not mine to own! it's liberating to say It's not my problem and I WILL NOT own yours any more. You have it in you to ba an amzing father and I pray you will rediscover your priorities and even more important realize your children want to be loved by you. You cannot forsake your obligations to them. To my family and dear friends near and far...THANK YOU THANK YOU for not leaving alone in my own quiet gethsemane. you may not ever know what the simple smile meant to one who felt alone in a world of turmoil/ or that phone call saying I was just thinking of you today. I have been greatly blessed by you all. now to my family flesh and blood...I love you all very much and know that God sent me to a family as diverse as we are for a reason...to truly know I am LOVED! so this is me and who I am becoming...A mom who will fight for her children and will come out of any trial as a better person for having went through teh struggle with Christ by my side. I no longer need to feel worthless or inadequate and not worth loving...I will prevail in righteousness.
i am somebody I am loved I am jess

Mother's day: Today this elderly man gave a talk on well of course mothers. He sang a song he made up when he was 16.
M- mom is what we call her
o- ordinary oh no anything but ordinary extraordinary
t- truth she always teaches me the truth
h- hero that's who she is my hero
e- eternal i love my eternal mom
r- righteous she stands among some of the most righteous women in the world.
this is what a mother is to me.
now what do I think a mom is: a mom sacrifices her body in the name of children. To bare a child takes it's toll but oh how we moms wish we had more time to take care of ourselves. mother's are the last to eat at a meal the first to clean up and the last to go to bed at night. making sure all is right in the home. a mom dries the tears of a hungry baby, then a hurt knee, later a broken heart, and in the end the sobs of the dear child by her dying bedside. A mom will love unconditionally and never ask for anything in return. a mom never gets holidays off, sick leave, or stock pile on vacation time. Even with all the sacrifices a mom makes I would NEVER trade this word in for anything else. I love my mom with all my heart but even more I love being called mommy!

Friday.....This day has become one of dread. It's a day of the week set aside in the mormon culture as date night. For me it is a reminder of how lonely my nights have once again become. I did enjoy the date night for almost a year in a half with Corey. Sometimes I wonder if I ever knew what Love really felt like. Was it love with Corey or just a person to feel a void in my life? Were we really ever friends or just a couple afarid of dying alone? What does real love feel like? I thought at one time I knew with both Brendan and Corey now I wonder if ever it was real? will I ever experience that feeling of feeling safe and protected both physically and emotionally? Will there ever be someone who could love my children and not think of them as a nuisance? Someone who wants to grow old with me and build dreams that can last forever....not just promise me one day a week and a few minutes a day! How can people profess to love someone and so easily walk away and never look back not even a glance and say God told me to leave! I often think who would notice if I weren't here? does my life mean something more than just to my children? is there someone out there who cares when I have had a horrible week emotionally or will it always just be the quiet tears shed alone in the dark with no one there to care why??? If I died tonight will I have left this world a better place because I lived in it? I am so blessed to have my children with me and the gospel in my life. I feel comfort at times when I just feel like giving up the most. Will I be refined enough after the trials to be welcomed home with open arms or will I turn away because I feel unworthy? Peace will come bit by bit line upon line and precept upon precept. So tonight my prayer is for peace and endurance to just put one step in front of the other and carry on to the next day.......These are the thoughts I have when Friday comes!

so this week has been good so far. I should know hopefully tomorrow about the hospice job. Found out today that Chris is going to be the new medical director...said he told them he wants me as his nurse. So knowing doctors do have some advantages other than waiving fees! trinity has been so different for a while and it looks like our building is about to hot rock bottom soon. Wanna get out while the gettin is good. the hospice job would be m-f 8-5 with salary. 40-50% of the work is done at home on your company laptop and blackberry. so wish me luck. it will be better for my kids too. I have faith that God will work things out according to my obedience....

rain or snow waht happened to the sun? that's what you get in Idaho i've decided. If you don't like the weather wait a few hours and it will change!!! so we planned to plant flowers for FHE tonight....well we still did just in our coats and gloves because it went from 71 degrees to 50 with rain and wind in about 30 minutes! I guess the Idaho weather is a little about my emotions lately. I can feel total peace and calmness one minute then I will think about Corey and then there comes a feeling almost anxious it;s actually physical....my heart just feels like it's dropping. Then I'm angry and sad, but always always before I go to bed I read and pray and peace envelops me and I drift calmly to sleep. I still have unanswered questions and thoughts about myself. But keeping positive and praying VERY hard when the negative emotions come help!!! today I watched a dear patient of mine and his wife. He is actively dying and seeing her love for him made my heart leap with joy at the same time weap for mine. Love endures all. What matters most in this life is how one is brought into this life and how one leaves this life. Peace will come to my dear thorn in the butt resident who was SOOO afraid of dying but last week he and I talked about how I KNOW life doesn't end at death. What an experience I had that strengthened my resolve to be a better person. Thx DON!!!!

So I decided the write about closure and ending a chapter in your life and beginning a new one. Friday Night Brendan and I decided we REALLY needed to just sit down and talk about the direction we are heading. It started out with him refusing to let me take kids to indiana and then of course I said he couldn't take kids to Utah. When did we both become so selfish and make it about us adults instead of what's best for the kids. So this is what I learned during our 4 hr long talk at McDonald's(i know of all places). I never considered looking at myself through his eye. In his mind I allowed the Mormon culture to ruin our marriage. I saw his point to a degree. I should have went to work 4 years ago when I was more marketable than he was. I began with no communication and ended in some realizations on my part. His view of me now is I have the brand new house and brand new van while he's living in a trashy trailer and driving a POS truck. My view of his situation is I got a new van to lower my monthly car payment by $120.00 a month. I got a brand new house that I am buying for teh same price I was renting. I am the one who works 50 hours a week, pay medical bill and insurance, daycare expenses, school clothes, lunches, field trips, extracurricular activities, I am the one who gets to kiss the dissappointment away when daddy doesn't come to the first christmas program or misses and orchestra concert. I am the one who stays up all night with the sick kid. he got to sit on his butt for 2 years living of a college fund taht was similay to my wages and then still didn't pay child support. So our perception of the other's life had formed our realities. Now I understand a little bit more about him. we have both changed the last 3 years greatly. What I reaLIZED Is I don't know him anymore. And he doesn't know me. I also learned a hard truth about myself....I haven't let go of the past and the hurt he caused me. I needed him to FINALLY acknowledge the pain and hurt. When he realized he had never asked for my forgiveness he knew why I hadn't let go of the past. I accepted his genuine apology and a burden was lifted. I also found out how prideful I had been all these years. I thought I was the better parent because I hadn't done the same sins as him.....what I rediscovered is taht I am NO better than him. Just as Brendan can't fully repent and return home with the atonement neither can I. we both rely upon the Lord's mercy to save us. SO i am owning up my faults and imperfections. I just want to work best for the kids. So despite all the advice I have been given...I am redoing the parenting plan that wroks for us BOTH. I am not forgiving any child support and he understands that, but I couldn't keep going on theway it has been for months with hostile exchanges and hurtful words. I just pray I can learn to forgive and truly do what is best for my children.

something I learned this week. Faith is knowing that God is happy with the direction your life is heading!!!! I will write more tomorrow about my journey in self-discovery....

anger...how do you get over hurt and anger when you are faced with the person on a regular basis. I met with the bishop again tonight. I asked him "how do I look at Corey every sunday and not scream inside and want to yeel out loud so that anyone or just someone could see and feel my pain caused by him?" someone tell me how do you get over the feelings of rejection and the thoughts that you are no good for anyone? because sometimes I feel like that if I was better looking or wouldn't have gained weight after my surgery then just maybe I might have been worth keeping. If maybe I turned the cheek a little more then maybe my marriage wouldn't have fallen apart....if only's and what might have been's sometimes overcome my thoughts during the day. why did both corey and brendan profess their love when they really didn't have any true feelings for me. My bishop is an amazing man. After mtg with him twice this week he was blunt tonight.....said he had some righteous anger and almost hostility towards the men who have hurt me deeply. He was glad that i came in not scared to share or confess ALL my weaknesses and faults. I am thankful for the Atonement even more at this difficult time in my life emotionally.....

So I decided to write some of my divine signatures that I've realized in the past few weeks. 1. I am blessed with 3 beautiful children wh try so hard to do what is right. they love each other, have their moments, but theyare truly friends. I am blessed with a job thta i mostly love with great co workers. I have a home that I love(depsite the reason why I bought it. There are memories of Corey taht can be erased with time but more can be made with my little family). I have an awesome ward family with a bishop who truly loves the members. I have even more amazing blood family who are tghere through the thick and thin no matter what kind of boneheaded mistakes I make. I have wonderful friends who are there to offer a smile or words of encouragement. I have the scriptures where I can find peace and comfort. I can pray and what an amazing things happen when I turn life over to God. so these are a few of my divine signatures that are written by Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. The last 6 mos have been very difficult emotionally. Never one to be depressed I found myself in a well looking up for recue. I am on medication low dose but I never realized how much my thyroid controlled several parts of who I am . Thanks for believing in me. It's nice to truly feel peace.

So after talking to a dear friend of mine, I realized that the emotions I am feeling are normal part of the grieving process. I never had a complete break of my formal family until recently. It's like the loss and pain are new in a different way. Until a few weeks ago I still had the support of an amazing family and ow well I realize I am not the flesh and blood and I had a fantasy vision of always being loved and accepted by them. After all it was their son who had offended not me! well as I have been going to the temple and continuing in prayer and so forth I realized that He woukld never feel loved and accepted by his family with me around. The hurt is overwhelming at times. I stayed in Idaho so that my kids could see their father and under the impression I would have outside support. I know the Lord is aware of me. I am receiving support as much as they can from my dear family 2k miles away and my brother and sister in law here. But I have even got the support of someone who truly undertsands from experience, Jen my dear friend. I also have met a few people in my ward who have similar expereince that have been brought into my life. I love all my friends and family far and near who are praying for me aND offering words of compfort. I also came to understand even more there are severeal steps of grief. I am not crazy or unstable because I get angry at people who hurt me or my children. It's ok and normal for me to get angry when I see my ex or think about the circumstances i am in. It's ok to have negative feelings about Corey and how he too hurt me in ways that ran deep to the core. I can have these feeling and it's normal as long as I don't get stuck. I am ok and no I don't need professional help, I believe with all my heart taht I would have expereinced these feelings 3 yrs ago if things went as they should have instead of still being connected to the cox family. I love my children and am grateful for my family both blood and ward, and I know that it's ok to experience feelings. the Lord gave us feelings so we could expereince life both the good and bad.

today is a new day. a new beginning of sorts. I hurt so badly when my children are hurting. last night mackenzie cried with me over some choices her father has made. She said daddy buys things for tracey so he won't lose her, but he still hasn't bought me my bike for my birthday. He promised me mommy. Then to find out that he flew his girlfriend down to vegas in october for a vacation with him, but couldn't afford child support for months or buy his daughter a birthday present!he is so focused on his fiance that he is hurting his children terribly. I pray for my kids everyday. I have even been asked to step away as a cox to allow her to be loved by them! I am only in Idaho so my kids can see their dad...oh how i wish I would've moved away 3 years ago for a fresh start anywhere. Now I feel so alone....I know this statement might hurt, but things would have been better if my husband died over a divorce! His parents said to me once how they are so happy that Min can stay home with her kids. It would've been hard for her children if she would have had to go to work, Well There are 3 other grandchildren that have suffered greatly that they don't seem to recognize. They cry at times because they miss their mommy. I have to work over time most weeks just because their dad doesn't pay his child support. A friend of mine in my ward has been through both a death of her husband and a divorce.....she stated that divorce is much harder! when her husband passed away she knew she and her children were loved. The divorce was bitter to be openly rejected and unloved is a harder pill to swallow, I will continue to have Hope which will lead to greater Faith and eventuallu I will know I am truly loved by someone out there!!

Wow whatever happened to my updating my blog? oops:) so I am going to just leave a short message about HOPE.(i'll try to get a general update the next few weeks). So why do I celebrate Easter? Is it about plastic eggs, Easter baskets, and the Easter bunny? As I have pondered the last few years throughout the many trials and challenges that have come my way, I have come to have a few new insights. Yes it is about our Savior Jesus Christ and His resurrection. Because He arose from the tomb I will see my loved ones again and be with my family forever. THis year I have come to believe it's also about HOPE. Hope leads to faith which leads to knowledge of thruths. I need Hope that today has more to offer and the future holds great blessings. I cannot change the past, I can learn from the expereinces. I have faith that my Heavenly Father and Savior are aware of me and the struggles I face. Because the Savior set the perfect example I can one day forgive others completely. Until that day I will keep praying for the strength to forgive piece by piece.